Life (and a bit more)

Two events in the last week have made me involuntarily take stock of where I am in life at the moment, and what hopes life has to offer.

The first was the birth of my first great neice. A truly miraculous event. From conception to birth, the whole nine months is one little miracle after another.

When I had my first cuddle with my new neice, at a day old, she lay there in my arms, all warm and cosy and sleepy. I looked down at her, in fact I could hardly take my eyes off her. Children are a miracle. Looking at her laying in my arms, totally dependent on other people for food, warmth, health, happiness and love, my mind began to wander to a time when I wished I could have been as care free as she was at that moment. I even slightly envied her. No worries. No hurt. No pain. Just this magnificent bundle of joy, wrapped up in the love of her family, with the whole world open to her. At that precise moment in time, anything and everything for her future was a possibility that was open to her. She could do and become almost anything she chose. It is a precious gift that our children are born with, I only wish the world always remained an ocean of dreams and reality for them.

The second event which has touched me deeply this week was an entry on Miss U's blog entitled 'Time for a bit of honesty' where she very bravely, very honestly, and very openly talks about what a nightmare year she has had during the first half of 2006. Why did this touch me so deeply? Not least because of the very powerful, strong and beautiful writing skills which she possesses, but more than that because there are a lot of parallels between what she went through and what I went through myself. Our root was very different, but the dark minutes, hours, days, weeks and even months were very similar.

Reading through Miss U's blog, so full of passion and the deepest of feelings made me want to blog some of my own from the time I wrote them, more as another step on the healing process as anything else, but I don't think I am that brave.

Elaine you are the most courageous women I know. You talk of all the people from blogland who helped you through those months. Of certain special people who were there on the end of a telephone or email, who gave you the strength to carry out what other, more fortunate people, might think were everyday, mundane tasks. You talk of hardly being able to function and yet, at that very time of your life when you thought you had shut down and switched off ..... you were there for me.

Little 'ol me. Barely able to function myself somedays. Having decided that to begin to climb out of my big, black hole I needed to get my feelings down on paper so that I could hopefully make sense of them, I was blessed enough to find a friend. That friend was you.

For obvious reasons, I had never shared many of my deepest, darkest thoughts with anyone else before, and I chose a place to write where I would remain anonymous to allow me to be very frank and honest with myself. Then you came along.

You took the time and the trouble to converse with me, at first through my diary, and then also through email. Where most people ran away for the simple reason that had no clue what to say, you offered encouragement and support. At a time when I barely knew if I had remembered my own name correctly, you did not judge me or label me. You did not assume that I was beyond redemption, or that I would never find my way back. You were just there for me. In my life's darkest moments, you were my angel.

Looking back into 2005/beginning of 2006 sometimes feels like looking into a different world. At other times, it can feel like just last week. Nowadays the clouds, when the come, are more of a grey than the jet black they used to be, and nowadays I can see them coming over the horizon before they are right above me, so I have made a lot of progress I guess.

Another comment you made on your post was about accepting that you will never again be the person you once were jolted me into the past. Accepting that the woman I used to be was gone, and more than that, accepting that I needed to learn to like the changed me, to become best friends with the different me, that I believe, was my turning point. I'm not sure I have fully accomplished that yet, maybe I never will, but if I don't I will die old and still trying, I will not die because I stopped trying to reach the end of the road.

Hell, see what happens when I start talking about real, deep emotions... I ramble. Maybe I should leave it there. I could say so much more. This was never meant to be an 'Ode to Laney' but once I started, there were things I needed to say. (Elaine, don't worry, there are only a couple of people who regularly visit here honey!! but I sure hope you are not uncomfortable with what I have written).

On a final note, get that bloody camera out and start shooting girl!! January's list is up you know, have you seen it? No. 25 is 'Newborn'... how lucky is that!!!