Thought for the Week

"A hug is a perfect gift - one size fits all and nobody minds if you give it back."
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Who Would Be A Woman?

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal; the epilady, scissors, razors, "Nair" and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

"Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."

So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip cross my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!...OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the Strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter:
"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,

"Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counselling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and … OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, l but I really don't care.

"IT WORKS!! It works!!"
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...ALL OF IT!!!!

On an ending note, this is not my story, but I hope it gave you a laugh. If nothing else it reminds me why I have never been brave enough to try it for myself!!

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi..
I juz found ur site through google, it's nice :)

Hair Removal | Laser Hair Removal

Elaine Denning said...

I had my eyebrows waxed once, just before I got married and I walked down the aisle looking like I had 4 of them.

I'm with you....gimme a razor, anyday!

Mike said...

You had me going there. I really did believe your ordeal. I'll have you know I was feeling very sorry for you.

Ali said...

Lovely ~ Thx for stopping to comment. I shall be over to yours shortly

Lady B ~ I was in hysterics when I read it, I just had to share

Laney ~ 4 eyebrows.. 2 brown, 2 red huh? Been there, done that!! lol. Hope your well honey. x

Mike ~ Tell me, that 'feeling sorry for me' bit, was that in between the giggles??? Nice to know you care so much about my nether regions!!!

IT Barman said...

PMSL. Nair is the way forward (well thats what the exgf uses and never complains)

Akelamalu said...

Oh Ali my sides are aching and I laughed so loud MWM came upstairs because he thought I was having a fit! That was the funniest thing I've read in ages where on earth did you get it?

Mike said...

I'll be honest, I'm sooooooo glad you never posted any pictures of the incident :)

Digital Flower Pictures said...

I am just glad I am a man.

Ali said...

IT ~ I'll stick to the razor, seems better than sticking to myself!!! lol

Akelamalu ~ I was the same when I read it which is why I thought you would all appreciate it! Actually, it reminded me of the way Laney would write about such an experience!!! I got it via email.

Mike ~ lol, ewwwwww

DFP ~ You men are just so damn lucky!!

cathy said...

I don't often laugh out loud when reading but this was hilarious.

About the nair, if you try it do a sensitivity test first. Slapping it on then finding out your allergic is a bad experience.

Unknown said...

Like Cathy said, laugh out loud hilarious!

Ali said...

Cathy ~ Glad you had a good laugh and thanks for the tip, I'll remember that one just in case... ouch!

Pauline ~ Laughter is the best medicine.

ellie said...

Oh My God! I have tears running down my cheeks! That is such an Ellie moment.I didnt stick to the bath, but lets just say, never pull your pants back up to go seek help! Epilator or razor for me thanks!

K M F said...

nice post

S said...

This was so well written! spot on humour:)

Let me tell you something.

Vaseline.

If anyone gets caught in anything sticky situation, smear vaseline. It takes wax out like a shot easily and fast and no burning:)I used to even clean my cell phone which i accidently placed on an open wax strip. Excellent stuff:)