Soul Searching. I always wanted to say this.....
I first read the entry in caps on Miss U's blog, a long while ago. At the time, I was writing elsewhere and used it as a release for things I wanted to say.
I occasionally go back and read it, and every time it stirs the same emotions, the same feelings and the same sense of release. I thought I would share it with you all . It was incredibly difficult to do at the time, but very worthwhile. My apologies to Miss U as you have read this before.
LIST TEN THINGS YOU WANT TO SAY TO TEN PEOPLE YOU KNOW, BUT NEVER WILL FOR WHATEVER REASON. DON'T SAY WHO THEY ARE. USE EACH PERSON ONLY ONCE.
1. What was missing in your life that you took such great pleasure in trying to destroy everything that I held dear? What did I ever do to you? You were evil beyond belief for so long. So many nights I cried myself to sleep and plotted my revenge. I didn't want to sink to your level and that is why I contacted the police. I'm so glad that you being bound over to keep the peace put an end to it.
2. What the hell gave you the right to do that? Did I give out the wrong signals? Even now, after all this time I do not believe I did. I was nothing but cheerful, friendly and professional. I guess you realised immediately that your advances were most unwelcome. You seemed almost embarrassed for your actions but for all your backtracking, you made me feel uncomfortable, you made me question myself, you made me feel sick.
3. Why do you blame me? Does it ease your own guilt. Is it easier to blame me than to accept that your own actions may have been a contributing factor, however small? Do you not think I have enough to deal with already without shouldering your guilt for you. I won't do it, it is too much weight to carry. It was not my fault. It was not your fault. It was not anyone's fault. It just was.
4. You are a selfish, jumped upped, self-centred bitch sometimes. Life can't always be about you, no matter how much you want it to be. Do you have no love inside you? No compassion. No thought for anyone but yourself. ME ME ME. Could you not even spare your own mother an hour of your precious time on the day that she buried her husband? You selfish f***ing cow.
5. I'm so sorry I hurt you. That was and still is the last thing in the world I would ever want. You are such a kind, loving and caring person. You didn't deserve that. I can see looking back what led me to do what I did, but I make no excuses for it. I was wrong. I was very wrong, and I will never forget how much I hurt you.
6. You are such an inspiration to me. You have strength of character that I admire. You seem to think you are weak, especially when you turn to me for help, but you are so much more than I could ever hope to be. You have the biggest heart of anyone I know, and always show such strength of resolve that I am sometimes in awe of you. You have been through more devastation and heartache in your life already than most people see in a whole lifetime, but still you unselfishly look out for others, and are always there to lean on. I love you.
7. If only. We can't live on 'if onlys' but I have shed bucket loads of them for you. I miss you.
8. I'm glad you came back. The time apart was too much too bear. I know it was a difficult time for you, a period of adjustment so to speak, but you made me so angry I had to speak out. I was the only one who tried to help you. The only one who supported you in the beginning and yet you pushed me to the limit. Then when I spoke out, you tossed me aside like an old, worn out jacket you sent to the jumble sale. Were you just testing me to see if I too would desert you? I guess I failed that one.
9. You are so cold hearted. How could you move your lover into your marital home all the while making your adoring husband think it was his idea to have his best mate move in? Those letters that the two of you exchanged, I found one laying around one day. I know it was wrong to read it but human nature etc etc. I sure wish I hadn't by the time I had finished. How could you be so cold as to say you were a patient woman and could wait for him to die? You knew it wouldn't take forever because the doctor had said if he kept smoking his life expectancy was not so great, and you were doing nothing to persuade him to stop. You would do that rather than leave a man you didn't love just to get your "fair share" You're a disgrace to the human race.
10. I am so proud of you.
5 comments:
Ali, don't apologise. I've been through a lot of changes since I first read this, and I must say, I find it eevn more powerful now than I did then. I don't know how that's possible - perhaps back then I was too busy looking 'inwards' then 'outwards'.
I remember how difficult it was for me to write mine (God, that seems like such a long time ago now,) and I'm guessing it was the same for you. Once you start though, the words just seem to flow.
Big hugs to you...it's good to get it all out, and I'm smiling because you chose to do it here too.
(Give it a few months, you'll be itching to do an HNT!!) xx
Miss U ~ lol, have you been reading my mind again, pack it in!!
I'll tell you the same thing I told Elaine when I read hers (I think)--these are powerful statements responding to intense situations. I can imagine what some of them are. Unfortunately, some of the most memorable moments in our lives are those where someone hurts us, or we hurt someone. How much we want to go back and relive those moments to right the wrongs! Happily, 6 and 10 recall good memories, I think . . .
Cherrie ~ they are powerful, but even the sad and unhappy times contribute to the person we become later. I cannot say there is nothing in my life I would change, given the chance, it's a rare person that could, but I am definitely a stronger, more tolerant and kinder person now than before some of these statements. If we can become better people, even in one tiny aspect, because of some sadness or hardship, then it was not suffered in vain.
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