I'm Fine Thanks

What do people really mean when they say "How are you"?

Life lately seems to have revolved around people and their unfortunate medical related problems. It never fails to amaze me how different people react when faced with the unthinkable, and it has made me think about this question again.

My thoughts, obviously, are very much with TME at this time and the magnificently positive attitude she has portrayed to us all in facing every womans worst nightmare. I'm sure she has had many ups and downs in her journey to this point, but her positive mental attitude will see her through, I know.

My sister has recently gone through a tough time medically, suffering for several weeks at the hands of doctors who couldn't/wouldn't/didn't diagnose her condition correctly and gave her completely inappropriate treatments. She ended up hospitalised. Thankfully the consultant at the hospital correctly diagnosed her instantly, and having been given adequate treatment, is now well on the road to recovery.

My daughter too has gone through more than her fair share of 'womens problems' which, whilst the immediate danger was dealt with earlier this year, is still an ongoing scenario, and a cause of great concern to me and the rest of the family. At the tender age of 21, she shouldn't be worrying about these things.

My brother is currently in hospital, quite poorly, and as yet has no definitive answers as to the cause of his illness, or even the actual illness. All he has so far is that his stay is likely to be 2-3 weeks. He has lost 2½ stone in weight, which can only be good for him as it happens, but the underlying cause is obviously a concern.

One of the managers at work has been battling cancer for the last 2 years. Pretty seriously. He has had a host of operations, radio therapy, intrusive surgeries and the like. To look at him, you would never know. He reckons he has a maximum of 3 years to live.

He talks to people on the phone daily, people he has dealt with for years and years. Work calls, much like intermittant friends I guess, usually begin with the niceties of "How are you"? His answer is always the same "I'm fine, are you well"?

I could go on with the list, but you get the gist. This isn't meant to be a 'lets feel sorry for myself' post or for them, but merely the stage set for the meaning of that little question.

A much used, and very broad answer, in response to the question "How are you"?

So what does it really mean? I'm fine thanks.

In a family setting, the answer to the question "How are you"? is much less likely to involve those 3 little words. Much more likely, is that it will lead into a frank discussion about the current state of play with regards to the ailment/illness you are suffering, and how it is affecting you this week.

It might even lead to more details than you had intended to pass on, but all in the name of love. Being comfortable in the company of the question asker, and wanting to give them an honest answer.

Unless of course, it's a husband asking his wife!! Come on girls, we all do it.

"What's up" he asks.

"Nothing" we say.

Who are we trying to kid? Ourselves? He only asked because when he came into the room, you walked out. Not only did you walk out, but you took the door off it's hinges as you went. The kitchen cupboards are being used as almost the entire percussion section of an orchestra and the cutlery you just hurled in the draw makes a poor stand in for the symbols. The neighbours have turned their music up 5 levels and even the dog is in hiding.

Still, he knows he's got you on the run now.

"Well obviously SOMETHING is up" he comes back

"I'm fine" is your sharp retort.

"I'm fine". What it really means is shut the feck up, leave me alone, and don't even think about asking what's for dinner if you know whats good for you.

Men already know this is the answer they will get, but they just can't resist playing the game.

If you arrive at work, with a serious demeanour, or are less than your normal cheerful self and someone says, "Good morning, how are you"? The standard response is, yep, "I'm fine thanks".

In most cases this should suffice. You may be thinking to yourself, "I wouldn't know where to begin" or "what the heck as it got to do with you". Sometimes you just don't want to share these things.

What happens though, if you do decide to share?

"Well actually boss, I didn't sleep much last night to tell the truth, little Tommy was rushed into hospital last night by ambulance after I found him in a coma. The ambulance crashed on the way there, killing the occupants of the other car and we had to wait for another ambulance to get Tommy to A&E. To top that off I spent half the night at the police station making a statement about the ambulance driver who crashed, and when I finally got back to the hospital, little Tommy, God rest his soul, was dead. I then had to go home and break the news to the rest of my family."

This is fictitious of course, but what reaction do you get then? Maybe a caring employer would send you home again after dishing out tea and sympathy. Generally though, people don't know how to respond when you let go and empty your heart out unexpectedly. I have experienced this myself, and the general conversation line is

"That's awful. Have you got the figures for the Open Order book I asked you to prepare?"

People don't know how to react, so they don't. When they ask "How are you"? they don't ACTUALLY want to know how you are, it is just an alternative way to say "Good morning" or to recognise that you have arrived at the office etc., and even if the question is asked in all sincerity, the outpouring of your emotions is not allowed to interfere with your work.

So blogging buddies, I ask this one thing of you today. Don't ask people how they are, unless you genuinely want to know!